In Search of Romance
by Abner H. Cook
Debbie is a young divorced mother of two children. She is in her
late twenties, considered quite attractive and has a fairly good
background of values and education. She grew up with an upper middle
class background, having strict parents with high expectaions of their
children. Now single for over five years, Debbie has drifted through relationships ranging
from casual encounters to living together arrangements. Although Debbie
has no problems in getting attention from men, she does experience frustration with the
type of man she attracts. Although each person looks different, the personality and
interactions are basically the same, resulting in Debbie repeating her patterns of forming
destructive relationships. Her past history has indicated the men she chose had no real interest
in her, no concern for her needs or feelings and preoccupied with their own selfish gratification.
On the surface, the men seemed charming, exciting and fun to be with. Debbie kept questioning
her self worth because she wound up with a person who mistreated her in each relationship she
formed.
Brad is a young man in his twenties who is single and never been married. He is an introverted
passive-aggressive type of person who has difficulty in expressing his feelings. Although Brad
is a "nice guy" he has some deep insecurities that contribute to contact with people. His
relationships with women suffer because Brad is unable to express his needs and desires and
like most shy people, focuses on his own internal problems rather than listening to what others
have to say. Out of the very few platonic relationships with women that Brad has been able to
form, none have progressed to any deep meaning. Because Brad's desire to have a romantic
and sexual relationship has been unfulfilled, he questions his ability to be lovable, deserving
and worthwhile, and like Debbie, seeks out love in the wrong ways and pursues it in the wrong
places.
A lot of single people complain about the lack of romance and their failure to find a suitable
partner. They reiterate their frustration about the deficiency of quality and availability of
desirable people to meet. Instead of finding that "perfect" partner, many people reject
prospective candidates because these suitors don't fit their type - their image of the ideal.
It is no surprise that many single people subscribe to the myth that there is a "Mr. or Ms. Right"
out there, somewhere who will be perfectly compatible with their lifestyle, interests and desires.
Such thinking only serves to extrapolate distorted perceptions of what one should really look for
and only results in depriving one of otherwise rich learning experiences. One only needs to
examine the high divorce rate, uprooting of families and sifting of broken relationships to
realize that a lot of pepople have bought into that childhood concept of a "Prince Charming"
or "Princess Cinderella" who is the right person to make us happy, sweep us off our feet
and live happily ever after.
Instead of taking time to learn about their relationship patterns, many single people just set
out to find another right person who will fit their list of requirements and fit their
"type". What is most likely to happen is these people will find a person similar to the
last who fits into their pattern of relating. Freud called this method of repeating the same
mistakes repetition compulsion. Simply stated, unless we do something to change our old
learned methods of relating and seeking out partners, we are doomed to repeat the past over
and over again.
Most of the ways we relate to other people are learned from early childhood and we pick up many
of the social skills from our parents, who are our role models. If our parents related well to
themselves and others and gave us plenty of love and approval, we then, most likely will be able
to seek out healthy relationships. However, if we were lacking love and attention from our
parents, one and/or the other, we will probably seek out that lost approval by looking
for a partner to fulfill our emptiness. Some single people look for qualities that they lack and
they have the mistaken belief that if they only find someone who possesses these
missing traits, everything will be all right and both parties can unite for a whole complete
relationship. Research has indicated through studies and evaluations that nothing is further
from the truth and it is a deception to view dating and romance with this delusion.
The first step toward getting a better understanding about love and romance would be to become
the right person rather than looking for the right mate. Although opinion is mixed as to whether
opposites attract, studies have shown that most people feel comfortable with people who have similar
interests, values and backgrounds. A good exercise to do in searching for a partner would be to list
all of the qualities that you regard as important and adapt these qualities into your own lifestyle
and watch who you attract! Such effort requires a conscious awareness of your own behavior and
the behavior of others. Many people are wating for love to find its way toward them rather than
realizing that they are responsible for the way their lives are and can take charge to make
love happen for them.
People only change when they have to. They do what works for them and continue with the
learned patterns of relating. If you can accept this statement and become aware of a candidate's
style of relating, you will be in a position to determine the outcome of a relationship and be
in a bettter position to choose whether this person is a good consideration or not. With very
few exceptions, what you see is what you get! More people are in destructive relationships
because they fail to take responsibility for their lives and instead, remain hopelesssly trapped
in despair! Most relationships don't happen by accident; the parties are attracted to each other
by unfinished business or unconscious wishes and these unhealthy patterns can only be changed
through conscious effort.
Today more people are single by choice. There are more more methods of meeting available than
were previously available. Many businesses have been formed for the express purpose of introducing
single people. Video dating, computer matching, radio call in shows and even personal ads
(and now the internet, which came about after this article was written) are modern ways to bring
people together. The thing singles have to realize is that there is nothing wrong
in either pursuing these methods or in the people who are already members. People who do
decide to try any or all of these introduction methods will be in a better position to avoid
frustration and disappointment if they will view the candidates as just other normal people
who, like every other single person, are just looking for someone to love and be loved. Many
people carry their neurotic beliefs of looking for that "right" one, only to complain
"there's no one there". Stop trying to look for perfection; remember you get strong and
weak traits - good and bad habits with anyone! Stop focusing for that "Mr. or Ms. Right"
and instead, concentrate on "how" someone treats YOU! After all, what good is a "perfect ten"
if that person treats you bad or makes you feel unhappy,
or abuses you, verbally or physically.
One thing; it makes no difference how or where you look for a partner if your head is not
on straight. If you have had destructive relationships in the past, you can choose now to
have better options for the future! Take responsibility for the past! Realize that it's YOUR
fault for the role you played in your past. Then, make efforts to be aware of those old patterns
and keep a sharp eye out for them in your future encounters! Contrary to what you might hear,
there is still plenty of opportunity for rich, rewarding relationships. All it takes is some
conscious effort of your part!
Abner Cook is a former Video Introductions' member. He is now in a caring and committed marriage.
FOR FURTHER READING...
"How to Stop Looking for Someone Perfect and Find Someone to Love"
   by Judith Sills, Ph.D.
"Taking a Chance on Love"
   by Emily Marlin
"How to Live With Another Person"
   by David Viscott, M.D.
"Love Signals"
   by David Gibbins, Ph.D.
"Putting It Altogether"
   by Irene C. Kassorla, Ph.D.
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